Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Notice: Putting the Baby Down is NOT the Same as Putting the Gerbil Down

The pros and cons of choosing child-less-ness:


  • My cats don't need me to set a "good example," and if they do, not peeing in the bed qualifies.
  • There are no strained (sprained, stained) veggies in my house and there won't be until toothlessness recurs.
  • I don't have to kiss boo-boos, explain where babies come from or feign amusement in a solid hour's worth of knock-knock jokes.
  • If I want to go somewhere, I go. I don't have to arrange babysitters or try to figure out the intricacies of car seats. I don't need to make sure I have 47 noisy toys and 11 different varieties of mashed former food in an enormous shoulder bag that has fluffy sheep on it.
  • The only thing in my home with fluffy sheep on it is my Wallace and Gromit video.
  • No diaper shall enter my home until incontinence recurs.
  • Teenage angst is something I hear about but will never again have to witness unless I start watching Dawson's Creek or some other equally insipid teenage-angst-soggy television show.
  • All the food in the fridge is mine. So is the beer.
  • My furniture will never be be-drooled, be-shat or be-teethed on. Except by my cats, and for them, all is forgiven.
  • There is no danger that my cats will turn out to vote Republican.
  • All the whining in the house is my own.
  • My cats are highly unlikely to get pregnant, caught shoplifting, arrested, or in a car accident with my Jetta and some horror Monster-in-a-Mom-Suit driving a Cadillac Escalade that costs more than my mortgage.


  • I have to go to animated movies by myself or with other adults. On second thought, this really belongs on the "pro" list.
  • My cats will probably not take care of me when I'm old. Fortunately, the way the things are going with the current world leadership, I likely won't have a chance to grow old, so this is irrelevant.

1 comment:

Ash said...

Pro: You can glare at people on airplanes or in restaurants who have loud, obnoxious, evil children and take pride that no one will ever do that to you.