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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

And they all go marching, down in the under ground.


Tragically, the "under ground" is my kitchen. Specifically, the cabinet just south of the microwave.

I hate ants. I couldn't hate them more if they marched around my kitchen with tiny little Bush/Cheney '04 signs stuck to their butts. Well, possibly a tiny bit more, but the difference would be negligible. That's how much I hate them. I hate them like I hate that I, English teacher, had to look up how to spell "negligible" because it just didn't look right. Every spring I must do battle with sugar ants who invade my tiny home and tromp their horrible, wee feet around in my raisin stash.

I am a vegetarian. I buy plastic shoes and eschew (as opposed to just plain chew) meat and gently escort spiders outside rather than kill them if they're just too big and hairy-legged to share my space, and I feed a pair of hungry guest cats out my back door, and doesn't nature owe me just this one tiny dispensation of NOT BEING INVADED BY ANTS? Come on!

So, critter-loving, tree-hugging, no-kill goodie that I am, I mash those tiny ant bodies bare-fingered if I must. Spring sees me turn from Buddhist to Bad-Ass as I open that cabinet door to be greeted by a mad scurry of tiny, brown, antennae'd horrors. Now I'm on the hunt. I buy fistfuls of bait traps, giant cans of aerosol-propelled death, and I wade in. Windex? I scoff at such wimpy weapons. Leave your boy scout troops at home; I'm bringing in the Big Boys. If it hasn't got a skull and crossbones on the label, I don't want it.

Just went into my kitchen to find only one ant, and he was coughing up blood. First round to me.

4 comments:

NuclearToast said...

Don't be messin wit Raggedy's raisins, or you will PAY!

DK said...

You should be yelling at your cats to whip the spiders into shape to take care of the ants.

Ash said...

OMG - I feel your pain! I hate ants too!

Chesna said...

Well written article.